If you’re facing resistance about remaining in a marriage for the sake of your children, consider this: while you can find another partner, you cannot replace the emotional well-being of your children.
It’s concerning that we’ve reached a point in American society where staying married “for the children” is frowned upon. When did we start believing that self-sacrifice is a flaw, or that those who choose to stay together for their kids are somehow failing? Dr. Anita Gadhia-Smith, a psychotherapist and author advising Congress, suggests it’s time to rethink this mentality. She notes, “In today’s world, divorce is too easily accessible because we live in a throwaway society. People have little patience for the natural discomforts of life and relationships and are drawn to the idea that everything should come easily.”
We choose to leave for reasons often considered more significant, such as financial issues, a desire to escape responsibilities, or the illusion that life might be better elsewhere.
Soul Custody: Protecting Children from Divorce
Dr. Gadhia-Smith shared her insights during the virtual launch of my book, Soul Custody: Protecting Children from Divorce. I resonate with her refreshing perspective. My book serves as a wake-up call to the troubling contradiction we face: we don’t prioritize staying married for the sake of our kids, yet we easily leave for reasons that seem more urgent. How can anything be considered more critical than safeguarding our children’s hearts and preventing a harmful legacy?
Research indicates that children of divorced parents often struggle with resilience in their own relationships. When challenges arise in their marriages, they are more likely to choose divorce. I can personally attest to this cycle. My parents’ divorce left a mark on me, and I perpetuated that cycle through my own separation. Despite my best efforts in therapy and recovery programs to break this pattern, I found myself unable to navigate all the challenges that came my way. Consequently, I walked away from my marriage prematurely.
Dr. Gadhia-Smith provided some comfort when she pointed out, “You were probably so overwhelmed by your marital issues that it was hard to see the effect on your children until after the divorce.” She was absolutely right.
Consider this paradox: we fail to prioritize our children’s needs while married, yet post-divorce, parents become consumed by what’s best for the kids. “The best interests of the children” is frequently the mantra of both parties as they negotiate custody arrangements. If couples could recognize and act upon what’s truly in their children’s best interests from the start, perhaps there would be fewer divorces.
Staying for the Children
Take a moment to reflect on whether your children’s best interests are truly at the forefront of your mind. Ask yourself these four questions to assess your focus on parenting:
- Am I considering my children’s feelings about our marital separation?
- Have I thought about how divorce might affect them at their various developmental stages?
- Have I made every effort to seek help for my marriage?
- Am I placing blame on my spouse for not wanting to work through our issues as a justification for leaving?
When “staying for the children” becomes the priority, divorce can be taken off the table, and the focus can shift to finding ways to make the marriage work.
Judith Wallerstein, who conducted a 25-year study on the long-term effects of divorce on children, concluded that an unhappy marriage can be more beneficial for children than divorce itself. Her insights have been relevant for decades. As she stated in a 1994 Newsday article, “What might be best for the parents is often not best for the children. It’s a real moral dilemma. If parents can endure their unhappiness, they should remain together for their kids.”
Wallerstein and her colleagues in The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce highlighted that the consequences of divorce on children are not only significant but also accumulate over time, peaking during adulthood. They found that it is in adulthood that children from divorced families often face the greatest struggles.
Imagine if parents redirected their focus from their relationship to their role as parents, prioritizing stability and nurture for their children, while placing their own desires and expectations second. As Wallerstein and her co-authors discovered, “Children are not as adversely affected by conflict within the marriage as they are by divorce.” This has been something I’ve observed in my own life and the lives of many others. I’ve also witnessed the positive transformations that occur when parents commit to prioritizing their children by choosing to stay in the marriage and work through their differences.
Author Bio
Pamela Henry has experience in supervised visitation for non-custodial parents, has authored newspaper columns on family topics, and has taught courses on shared custody parenting, including “Parenting with a Pen” and “Pandora’s Box: Managing a Private Journal Collection.” She holds a degree in telecommunications from San Diego State University and a certificate in Early Childhood Education from UC Riverside.
As the owner of Soul Custody Press, which publishes impactful memoirs, she resides in Redlands, California, with her three daughters. Her latest book is Soul Custody: Sparing Children from Divorce. To learn more, visit Soul Custody Press – Memoirs with a Message. If you’re interested in Club 30 meetings, feel free to reach out to the author at [emailprotected].
